the empty life.

the empty life. a life worth dying for. a theological paradox, perhaps.

lately i've realized a repetitive theme within my prayers... a desire to be broken. a desire to be brought back to that place of complete dependence on Christ. ...trying so helplessly to get to that place of brokenness --- the sense/state of being empty. why is it so difficult? why is it that the only times i've ever found complete satisfaction was when i was completely empty?

how do we get there? why is this required for the Christian life? this was my conclusion: the empty life is the fulfilled life. when we are broken, we are complete. we are satisfied and filled with Christ. the importance of being emptied is so that we can be filled with Christ, reaching the goal that He has set for us --- to become more like Him. it is in this state of surrender that we are completely, fully, relying on Him, and thus giving Him glory.

in order to reach this point of fulfillment, complete joy, we must be emptied of self. can it really be true? "an emptier, fuller life," as in the words of Ann Voskamp. this is not a state of lacking, though the word "empty" may insinuate. i find the concept difficult to grasp, even fathom. the fact that we must be empty in order to be complete, satisfied. --- a state of fulfillment. it is when we are empty -- emptied of self -- that we realize we are truly filled.

the empty life. a life worth dying for.

most of you know how much i treasure the illustration in john 12:24 --- the kernel of wheat. recently i learned the physical reasons behind this metaphor. a kernel of wheat is literally stripped of everything it once was in order to be transformed into bread. from grain -- to bread. i think many of us tend to overlook this process. here's a glimpse into the life a grain of wheat...

first, it is cut down, bundled, and hung out to dry.

it is threshed, beaten down, and trampled,
in order to break the grain away from the stalk.

next it is winnowed, or thrown in the air
to remove the chaff.

then it is shaken in a sieve
to sift out any remaining impurities.

it is ground to powder (flour) and used
to make bread.

we are commanded to be this kernel of wheat. to dye to self. the empty life is truly a life worth dying for. a life of dying to self. a life of giving up everything we've claimed as ours. we must be beaten, ripped from a life revolving around self, shaken, and sifted of impurities. but yet this life, is one that we should yearn for and desire above all things.

broken. emptied. fulfilled.

the empty life. the life of true, complete joy.

"But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss...because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For His sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own... but that which comes through faith in Christ... that I may know Him.
                                                                                       - philippians 3:7-10

i'd love to hear thoughts on this idea i've been wrestling with... feel free to leave a comment after reading!

SDG

All I Have is Christ

I once was lost in darkest night
Yet thought I knew the way.
The sin that promised joy and life
Had led me to the grave.
I had no hope that You would own
A rebel to Your will.
And if You had not loved me first
I would refuse You still.

But as I ran my hell-bound race
Indifferent to the cost
You looked upon my helpless state
And led me to the cross.
And I beheld God’s love displayed
You suffered in my place
You bore the wrath reserved for me
Now all I know is grace.

Hallelujah! All I have is Christ
Hallelujah! Jesus is my life

Now, Lord, I would be Yours alone
And live so all might see
The strength to follow Your commands
Could never come from me.
Oh Father, use my ransomed life
In any way You choose.
And let my song forever be
My only boast is You.

© 2008 Sovereign Grace Praise (BMI), by Jordan Kauflin

...my theme song for the summer...
ALL I HAVE IS CHRIST. JESUS IS MY LIFE.

Stepping Out of the Wardrobe: Part 2

(scroll down for part 1!...)

"Stepping Out of the Wardrobe"

Part 2: Broken by the Lost

CAMP #6

Our next destination was Winston Salem, NC at Wake Forest University. We pulled onto campus to check in, climbed back in the vans to grab some dinner, and came back for an epic frisbee game in one of the quad fields. These are the moments we treasure together as staff! =)

Little did I know that this would be one of my most overwhelming weeks of camp. As stated in my last post, we have responsibilities as staff. I did registration as well as Evangelism Training/Debrief on "Witness Wednesdays." Encouraging the students and hearing their testimonies every week was truly an honor and blessing which taught me so much. Every week I would challenge the students during training to pray and ask God to break their hearts for the lost, realizing that the people they were going to talk to were not just faces, but faces that had "bound for hell" written across their forehead. This is the reality of where they're headed -- dying in their sin. I would continue by saying that this is something that breaks God's heart, therefore, as you desire the heart of God, pray and ask Him to break your heart for the things that break His.

It's one thing to say this every week - to get into a routine of saying the same thing and giving the same challenge. But as the students in North Carolina finished their practicum that day and boarded the bus, there were about 5 students who were in tears. I began talking to a few of them and asking what was wrong. They responded in brokenness --- they were filled with sorrow by those who had rejected the Gospel. Their hearts had truly been broken by the lost. I was so overwhelmed by seeing this challenge in action. It was difficult doing debrief with the students... I hadn't expected the experience to be so heavy on my heart. What an honor to see God working in the hearts of these students! The fact that I was able to be part of it was truly humbling. ...We serve a God Who is beyond anything we think we can do. The reality is that we are nothing without Him - He is the One working in our hearts, and out of that growing love for Him, we begin to desire the heart of God.

CAMP #7

Our last camp took anchor in Virginia Beach, VA at Regent University. I had my smallest group of the summer, consisting of 4 girls and they were all between fourteen and fifteen. The tiny size of our group allowed the girls to bond in a way that I hadn't seen all summer. They wanted to be with each other... it was beautiful seeing their desire to invest in their relationships and encourage one another throughout the week. My fondest memory with them has to be painting toenails before evangelism practicum. Nerves always tend to rise before going out, and I try to find ways to help them get their mind off worrying. Painting toenails was the perfect activity! Each of them began sharing how God was working in their heart, even before that week of camp. Again, it's moments like these where I realized the undeserved blessing of being a staffer. I'm overwhelmed by God's grace in giving me a role that I know I'm so unworthy of. But yet He uses me as His hands and feet anyway. What a humbling part to play as His instrument and vessel!

Now regardless of how much I've written at this point, unfortunately you're still in the dark about how any of it has to do with lampposts, battles, forest animals, and permanent winter snow --- the contents of a magical wardrobe! Coming home, I've quickly realized that this summer with Worldview Academy has been like stepping into Narnia. As child-like as this metaphor may sound, I caught a glimpse of eternity. Bonding with the body of Christ in such a way that each one of them felt like brothers and sisters was a beautiful thing to behold -- and experience. There were many, many tears at the airport as we all said our goodbyes. Being here at home has been difficult, and I wrestle with discontentment almost hourly (...glancing at my watch and still wondering where I should be according to the camp schedule... yea, that's bad.). Yet, I can still rest in knowing that these people are my family for eternity. What an honor it will be to worship at our King's feet in the presence of His people.

On July 22, our last camp in Virginia ended. Coming home has been an extremely difficult transition. But -- how sweet it is to know that He is always faithful! Many have asked me what my highlight of the summer was... this is absolutely impossible to articulate, because there isn't just one! This summer has not only been the best summer of my life but it has changed my life completely. Every week of camp had both its challenge and its joy -- both of which allowed me to realize how undeserving and inadequate I was for the job I had been given.

SDG

Stepping Out of the Wardrobe: Part 1

This will, by far, be the most difficult post I have yet to write. Due its longevity, I've chosen to divide it into 2 separate parts... in hopes that I won't bore you too much! There's just too much to write for one post. =)

"Stepping Out of the Wardrobe"

Part 1:  Sweet Surrender

CAMP #4

In the week following Mississippi, we made our way to Lakeland, FL (stopping at Pensacola beach on our way... LOVE the gulf coast!) where I was able to visit with my family for the weekend (Aaron and Kelly were campers that week). We also gained 3 other staffers who would be with us for the last four weeks of camp. My girls in Florida were a blast... there were many moments of laughter as well as inside jokes - which was comforting for me to see their relationships building on such a deep level. It's amazing how quickly bonds can grow over the course of only one week!

As a fun excursion over the weekend, leadership took us to downtown Disney and bought us tickets for Cirque du Soleil. It was truly breath-taking to see the incredible skills of each of the acrobats!

CAMP #5

My "home camp" - Berry College in Rome, GA - was our next stop. The memories from being a student at Berry for 4 years began flooding my mind as we drove around campus. I was thrilled to see how God would use our time we would spend at the same place He had done so much work in my own heart. Unfortunately, however, the excitement didn't last long. I had been told earlier in the summer that, as a staffer, there is always a point you reach known as the "crashing point" - where you hit the wall at the speed of light and fall flat on your face, certain that there's no hope of getting back up again... Week 5 was my crashing point. Not only was I sick, but I had been up later than usual with a couple of my students and wasn't able to get the rest that I needed. (Let's just say I was a complete disaster, and was failing miserably at trying to hide every bit of my sleep-deprivation and head cold.) On Tuesday, after making sure that my girls were on their way to lecture, I walked around the corner to find my staff director standing in eyesight. "I can't do this anymore," were the first words that came out of my mouth. At this point, there was no fighting tears. I was so overwhelmed and way past being tired. She quickly realized this and simply said, "I know... which is why you're going on a date this morning!" Minutes later, I jumped in the van and drove away with Sarah (a sweet friend who was also my small group leader in 2008).

During our date, there was very little communication on my part. It was truly one of the most refreshing points of my summer! We talked about how small group time had been going and how my girls were doing. I began sharing how God had been expounding on my theme verse for the summer - 1 Peter 4:11 - and my goal of relying on His strength and not my own. I began pouring out my desires to give as much as I had been giving all the other weeks of camp. I found it discouraging that I was lacking in strength and thus not as enthusiastic as I had been in weeks prior. We started discussing what it looks like to rely on God's strength. Sarah encouraged me with the idea of surrender --- admitting that I CAN'T do it; confessing that I am completely incapable and inadequate to serve my girls. That was it... I had reached my point of total loss - loss of emotions, strength, sanity, and endurance. My fault was in the source of my strength. It's so easy for us to say/set out to give God glory through relying on His strength. But it's another to actually follow through with it during those times that require it. After leaving Starbucks, we arrived back on campus. Brandon, our camp director, told me to take the next lecture all the way through evangelism to sleep and rest. As Brandon stepped out of the van, I completely lost it. I began crying and releasing all of my stress and worries of what I "wasn't able to do this week." My list went on and on. It killed me to not be with my girls for evangelism. Sarah gently reminded me of what we had been talking about just moments before --- "You aren't the one doing all that!" If I truly believed that it was through God's strength and His own work that I was serving my girls, I would be resting in knowing that He IS using me (even in the times that I don't feel used). It was so comforting to be able to lay everything down at the feet of the cross. There, I relished in God's grace... That spirit of brokenness and surrender allowed me to rest completely in God's sufficient and infinite grace. What a beautiful place to be --- in the arms of Jesus, after He has picked you up off the floor, and said, "I know you can't do this. That's why I'm the One working through you!"

SDG

Click here for "Stepping Out of the Wardrobe: Part 2"