Gloriously Ruined. A phrase used by a fellow blogger, defining how God uses challenges, pain and difficult seasons to bring about a refined heart. One that is continually molded into the image of Christ through moment-by-moment grace. This has been my summer. And more precisely, it's the entire Christian life.
The majority of my time is spent living life in the future.
What about now?
I'm dissatisfied with the precious, undeserved moments I'm given.
Time falls away so quickly. What will we do when it's all gone? 20 years seems like a lifetime, but yet our next breathe is not even our own. I like writing my own story. In fact, I've convinced myself on many occasions that I'm quite good at it. I have dreams. I have hopes. I want adventure. A recurring response to God lately has been, "I got this." What pride. What foolishness! "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." {proverbs 16:9} I'm a student at Mayo Clinic, majoring in ultrasound. Frisbee, dancing, cleaning houses, bible study, laughing and sharing life with friends.... I've been so foolish {multiple times actually} to ask God, "Where is the adventure in that?" I've been brought so far.
May 2014 seems like a long ways away... It's the month I graduate from college. Everyone asks, "So what happens next??" Well, I don't really have an answer. A wise friend once told me that God tends to give details on a need-to-know basis. If we knew all the details, having them lined up perfectly, we wouldn't need him! So let's be real here. I'd like to say 10 months from now I'll be an official employee at Mayo Clinic? Working at a doctor's office scanning babies? Somehow paying off student loans? Getting to be apart of a ministry that has changed my life? Living at an orphanage in Uganda? ...oh, and marriage & raising a family has to fit somewhere in there too!...*whew* {I know, it's ridiculous.} The question mark at the end of each "idea" is the most comforting, yet frustrating piece of the puzzle. But praise God that we have such a limited vision! We try so hard to take control... How many times do I have to tell myself before finally coming to grips with the fact that it's not my job?
What if I endlessly craved the presence of God as much I craved my own dreams? Ever since I was young I've had a very detailed dream {because as we've already established, I'm a very detailed person}. I want to graduate college and be asked to give up everything. I want to passionately pursue a vision that requires the loss of all things. I want more the anything to GO. But how does that all fit together?
Yet, glancing back over my shoulder, I ponder God's faithfulness and relish this beautiful truth: the details are not mine to control or orchestrate. "Come now, you who say, 'Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit' -- yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE? For you are midst that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, 'IF THE LORD WILLS, we will live and do this or that.'" {james 4:13-15} What a peace there is in just getting to ENJOY life! How often do we enjoy God? Relishing in his splendor and majesty.
And so we return to the now.
Now is not irrelevant. It a season -- a very specific season in fact. And so we continue to run this race to the praise of his glory! How are we meeting the moments that are given to us? "I rest on his unchanging grace. In every high and stormy gale, my anchor holds within the veil." At certain points in our life, it's easy to hold a clenched fist in God's face, asking the classic three-letter-question, "W-H-Y?" As humans, we enjoy living life by our own rules. But oh what joy and freedom there is in the open-handed life... binding our time here on earth with palms toward heaven, accepting his good, pleasing and perfect will. Because our story is already written. {And he's a much more perfect author!} Trust and obedience is all that is required.
"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. 'The Lord is my portion,' says my soul, 'therefore I will hope in him.' The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him." {lamentations 3:22-25}
