The one year anniversary of my Grandfather's reunion with his Maker passed a couple of days ago. Looking back, I can see how much God had to teach me through my difficult and heart-breaking circumstances. This is a journal entry that I wrote shortly after he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Be encouraged!!
Blind Faith
A journal entry written on August 8, 2008
As I sat in the car listening to my iPod, my thoughts raced as the Holy Spirit began to whisper words I did not understand at that moment. We were on our way to the Orlando Convention for home-schoolers. The long ride was beginning to drain every last ounce of enthusiasm I had for this greatly-needed vacation.
A few weeks before we were going to leave for Orlando, our friends from South Florida, the Coleman family, had sent us a CD that their daughter, Grace, had recorded. All of the songs on the album were just beautiful, and each one had their own special meaning. But one of them stood out among the rest. The title was, “I will Live Again.” Grace had written it for a friend of hers who’s friend had been diagnosed with cancer. The song talks about being “at the finish line” of life; knowing that when it comes our time to leave this earth, through Christ, we “live again!”…. “To die is gain!”
So as my iPod continued to play through the list of songs, I drifted it back to the song I had listened to at least 100 times already. It was the song Grace had written. Even though I had already listened to it so many other times in the past, this moment in the car was totally different. It was as if there was a specific reason that God wanted me to hear it…and, boy, was that the truth! As the song began to play, the Holy Spirit began to speak to my heart. Every word that was sung had meaning. It was as if the Lord was telling me that this song was going to be used in my life some way. I felt as if He was preparing me for some future situation in my life that would take place. I was so confused and frustrated…and when it all boils down, I was scared. Scared of not knowing what was going to happen. But that wasn’t God’s point. His point and purpose was that I would trust in Him, that I would trust that He was (is) in control of the “un-seeable,” the unknown. Despite my doubts and fears, I continued to listen to the song, meditating on each and every line. I decided that I was going to apply this song to my life, even though I wasn’t sure of which area.
We finally arrived to our destination. The first few days were mainly relaxation. Friday was the first day of the convention, and also the day we got to see our grandparents from Fort Lauderdale. On Saturday, the convention continued. When it came time for us to meet up for lunch, my mom called me on my cell phone to let me know it was time to meet up with them. She sounded as if she had been crying, and the worst part was, she wouldn’t tell me why. Something was obviously wrong, and it was killing me that I couldn’t find out.
Finally, two days later, my mom and dad sat us down and told us the news I had been waiting for, for what seemed like days! My grandpa, in Tampa, had been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. I was beginning to regret being so anxious to know what was going on. For those next few days, I acted as if nothing was wrong. I guess I just had a really hard time accepting and even comprehending the news our parents had given us. It felt like it was taking forever for it to sink in. The most dedicated, godly man I knew now had cancer. I just couldn’t understand it. I was truly terrified and heartbroken. I was lost.
It was not until about three months later that I had a huge breakdown, and, might I add, it was with someone I barely knew, but felt as if I had known them all my life...but it was obviously the Lord’s will! I think one of the reasons that I took it so hard was because I never really experienced one of my grandparents battle any type of sicknesses or health issue, at least at an age where I understood what was going on.
But then it finally occurred to me. The Holy Spirit began to open the eyes of my heart. Through Grace’s song, the Lord was preparing me during that car ride for what I would learn just a few days later! By remembering that song, there was an encouraging joy that never would have been there had I not listened to that song.
As I continue to persevere through this experience, the Lord is showing me so much. I am learning to trust God, knowing that He is control of every situation, no matter the outcome. What the Lord has been showing me is really summed up in two words: Blind Faith, trusting that God will never leave me in any struggle I may go through, and all I need to do is willingly grasp hold of His hand, without knowing what lies ahead. Usually this phrase is thought of as a bad thing...and it can be if used in the wrong way. However, it truly sums up what the Lord has been teaching me.
I have also learned through the car ride, that God uses every situation to strengthen and prepare us for future situations. All we have to do is listen and be aware of these experiences. He can use any type, big or small. It can even be something as simple as a car ride to Orlando!
My prayer is that God will use this situation to ultimately glorify Him, no matter what the outcome may be. I have chosen to trust God without knowing what lies ahead; I have chosen to follow His lead with “Blind Faith,” knowing that with the Hope my grandpa has in Christ, he will live again!
SDG
