Stepping Out of the Wardrobe: Part 1

This will, by far, be the most difficult post I have yet to write. Due its longevity, I've chosen to divide it into 2 separate parts... in hopes that I won't bore you too much! There's just too much to write for one post. =)

"Stepping Out of the Wardrobe"

Part 1:  Sweet Surrender

CAMP #4

In the week following Mississippi, we made our way to Lakeland, FL (stopping at Pensacola beach on our way... LOVE the gulf coast!) where I was able to visit with my family for the weekend (Aaron and Kelly were campers that week). We also gained 3 other staffers who would be with us for the last four weeks of camp. My girls in Florida were a blast... there were many moments of laughter as well as inside jokes - which was comforting for me to see their relationships building on such a deep level. It's amazing how quickly bonds can grow over the course of only one week!

As a fun excursion over the weekend, leadership took us to downtown Disney and bought us tickets for Cirque du Soleil. It was truly breath-taking to see the incredible skills of each of the acrobats!

CAMP #5

My "home camp" - Berry College in Rome, GA - was our next stop. The memories from being a student at Berry for 4 years began flooding my mind as we drove around campus. I was thrilled to see how God would use our time we would spend at the same place He had done so much work in my own heart. Unfortunately, however, the excitement didn't last long. I had been told earlier in the summer that, as a staffer, there is always a point you reach known as the "crashing point" - where you hit the wall at the speed of light and fall flat on your face, certain that there's no hope of getting back up again... Week 5 was my crashing point. Not only was I sick, but I had been up later than usual with a couple of my students and wasn't able to get the rest that I needed. (Let's just say I was a complete disaster, and was failing miserably at trying to hide every bit of my sleep-deprivation and head cold.) On Tuesday, after making sure that my girls were on their way to lecture, I walked around the corner to find my staff director standing in eyesight. "I can't do this anymore," were the first words that came out of my mouth. At this point, there was no fighting tears. I was so overwhelmed and way past being tired. She quickly realized this and simply said, "I know... which is why you're going on a date this morning!" Minutes later, I jumped in the van and drove away with Sarah (a sweet friend who was also my small group leader in 2008).

During our date, there was very little communication on my part. It was truly one of the most refreshing points of my summer! We talked about how small group time had been going and how my girls were doing. I began sharing how God had been expounding on my theme verse for the summer - 1 Peter 4:11 - and my goal of relying on His strength and not my own. I began pouring out my desires to give as much as I had been giving all the other weeks of camp. I found it discouraging that I was lacking in strength and thus not as enthusiastic as I had been in weeks prior. We started discussing what it looks like to rely on God's strength. Sarah encouraged me with the idea of surrender --- admitting that I CAN'T do it; confessing that I am completely incapable and inadequate to serve my girls. That was it... I had reached my point of total loss - loss of emotions, strength, sanity, and endurance. My fault was in the source of my strength. It's so easy for us to say/set out to give God glory through relying on His strength. But it's another to actually follow through with it during those times that require it. After leaving Starbucks, we arrived back on campus. Brandon, our camp director, told me to take the next lecture all the way through evangelism to sleep and rest. As Brandon stepped out of the van, I completely lost it. I began crying and releasing all of my stress and worries of what I "wasn't able to do this week." My list went on and on. It killed me to not be with my girls for evangelism. Sarah gently reminded me of what we had been talking about just moments before --- "You aren't the one doing all that!" If I truly believed that it was through God's strength and His own work that I was serving my girls, I would be resting in knowing that He IS using me (even in the times that I don't feel used). It was so comforting to be able to lay everything down at the feet of the cross. There, I relished in God's grace... That spirit of brokenness and surrender allowed me to rest completely in God's sufficient and infinite grace. What a beautiful place to be --- in the arms of Jesus, after He has picked you up off the floor, and said, "I know you can't do this. That's why I'm the One working through you!"

SDG

Click here for "Stepping Out of the Wardrobe: Part 2"